Seven Tips for Handling Difficult Family Gatherings
It’s tough, isn’t it? Dealing with current events and the many differing opinions of those often closest to us… our cherished family and friends… is no easy task. I recently heard of a couple whose adult children completely cut off all contact because they didn’t share the same political position. Sadly, the cancel culture still exists. The attitude of many seems to be, “Agree with me or get out of my life.”
Suddenly, it’s July 4th. Decades long traditions of parades, celebrations, and fireworks are in jeapardy for fear of offending family, friends, or neighbors. Then there is the family vacation. You’ve all come together for years to enjoy reuniting at the beach house you rent annually or the mountain cabin you maintain just for this purpose, only to wonder now if there will be peace in the experience without raised voices, arguments, and anger.
How do you handle these new realities?
Here are tips for managing emotions and relationships in these difficult times:
Begin with Prayer-
God is the God of reconciliation between individuals and Himself and individuals and each other. Ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart for anything that might cause you to “react” instead of act with a love that exemplifies Jesus’ love. James gives us a very good principle to follow that’s not easy but worth the effort, “Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Ask the Holy Spirit to prepare your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and calm your emotions. He will help you reflect Jesus in all you say and do. And ask Him to reveal any hidden pride, offense, or anxiety before the event begins. Surrender these to God.
Surrender Your Expectations-
Instead of going into the event with negative or positive expectations, go in with a heart to hear from God. Ask for the Lord’s direction and guidance in all your thoughts, words, and actions. Reen often quotes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Make that your goal… peace. Don’t fight to be heard or win an argument. Know you are with imperfect people in an imperfect situation. Consider the impact and the long-term outcome as your heart desire is to maintain the relationship with those you love and care about versus painful separation. Pray for peace.
Establish Boundaries-
Several years ago, when family discussions on political issues seemed they could become destructive I told my family that we aren’t going to discuss politics… period. We can discuss any neutral topic of their choice, but I refused to argue with those I love most in this world…and we’ve maintained that for years now.
It’s amazing how much that has helped us demonstrate love without conflict with each other. And it doesn’t mean compromising. My children know what I believe, and I correct them if they are incorrect in their understanding (attributing some idea to me that is not accurate, labeling me, or designating me as part of any “group thought”), but we don’t belabor the point. I take Paul’s words to heart, “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful” (2 Tim. 2:24). Boundaries can be very helpful when agreed upon and followed.
Choose Humility and Grace-
There is a wonderful verse we can follow, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6). What does the word “grace” really mean? Websters defines it as, “unmerited divine assistance given to humans…encompassing God’s favor and love.” That’s what we need both for ourselves and as something we offer others…divine grace and God’s loving favor. God’s assistance to enable us to act and react as He does toward one another is a gift beyond measure. Listen humbly. Respond graciously. Demonstrate interest and curiosity with empathy and compassion. Don’t feel you have to defend yourself. Even when you disagree, treat the person with dignity as an individual made by your Creator and theirs.
Focus on Shared Experiences and Interests-
Listen attentively for anything that unites you…a common interest, experience, or positive memory. Particularly with other Christians, you always hold your love for Christ in common. Ask the individual what they are currently learning from God. What Bible verse is particularly meaningful this week? When did they see God’s hand at work lately?
If the person is not a Christian, seek to discover a hobby you both enjoy, a place you like to visit, a restaurant you recommend, or a meal you love. Look for something shared that enables you to bring Christ into the conversation. Never be ashamed of your love for Jesus. Openly express your faith and love with discretion and gentleness whether it is received or not. You may be planting a seed of faith that someone else will water in the individual’s life someday in their future.
Breathe-
What if things are not going well? What if the conversation becomes heated or negative no matter how hard you try to redirect the discussion? Excuse yourself. Leave the table or gathering for a moment. Don’t make a scene or storm out. Step outside or go to the restroom to regroup and pray. Take a deep breath. Ask the Lord to supernaturally intervene in the situation and give you clarity by His Holy Spirit about how to handle the situation.
Then when you’ve calmed yourself, return and wait quietly on the Lord. He will show you when or what to say or whether to speak at all. Regardless, pray for those present. He wants to work in their lives, and He may use you to do it…or this may not be the right moment. “Be ready in season and out of season” (2 Tim. 4:2) and as my father used to say, “ If you have nothing to say, say just that, and nothing more.” 😊
Be Christ’s Ambassador-
Remember, in every situation you have the privilege of being Christ’s ambassador bringing light and life into a broken, dark, and lost world. Paul reminds us, “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us,” (2 Cor. 5:20). Treat every individual the way you would like to be treated and extend Christ’s grace, love, compassion, kindness, patience, and caring so rarely found in our world. Be Christ to the world!
