Healing the Father Wound

By Reen Waterman

Father’s Day is a tough holiday for a lot of men…and women as well.

I’m deeply grateful for all the hard work and things my dad provided. But it’s not uncommon for many dads to be emotionally unavailable, never preparing their sons for manhood.

This is particularly true for a dad from a broken family with no father to help him develop into effective manhood himself. He can’t give what he never experienced or received.

There’s a term for this. It’s called the “father wound.” And the implications often hold far reaching consequences in a man’s life. I know because I speak to men daily who struggle with this reality.

But there’s good news for you or men in your life—that wound doesn’t have to define you. But it will shape you unless you let God reshape you first.

The Wound That Follows

The dangerous thing about the father wound is that it follows you into your marriage, your parenting, and into the way you connect–or don’t connect–to others.

Most damagingly, it can also negatively impact your spiritual life.

Many men become Christians, quickly accepting Jesus. Sometimes it can take longer to appreciate the Holy Spirit since in many churches He is rarely mentioned.

But God the Father? The response of so many men is, “No, thank you. I already had one father I didn’t connect with…I don’t need a second.” So, they remain emotionally distant from God.

The Father Who Never Lets You Down

Before I talk about earthly fathers, let me point you to a better one.

In Luke 15, Jesus tells the story of the Prodigal Son who took his inheritance early, squandered it on immoral living, and ended up starving in a foreign land, forced to feed pigs to survive. He recognized his mistake and decided to return home. Rehearsing a speech on the long walk home, he didn’t hope for forgiveness…just a job as a hired hand.

But his father watched and waited for him to return. When he saw him a long way off, he hiked up his long tunic and unashamedly ran to welcome back his son. He threw his arms around him and threw a party. The key verse that shows this father’s heart for his son—and for you, too—is Luke 15:24: “For this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.”

That is the Father you and I have access to—the One who runs toward us in our worst moments. One who doesn’t keep score of our failures and calls us sons, not servants.

If you grew up without a father who modeled that kind of love, you may have a distorted picture of who God the Father is.

You may keep Him at arm’s length, assuming He’s waiting to shower you with anger and disapproval because that’s what many fathers do.

I want to gently challenge that picture today. The God of Scripture is not your earthly father. He is the perfect one your soul has always been seeking.

The Conversation That Changed Everything

I remember flying to Denver, CO in 1993 to attend the first 50,000-man Promise Keepers conference. I had never heard of the father wound. I suddenly came to realize how many men struggle with this when EVERY book table I saw had books on the father wound. So, finally, I knew this was an issue I couldn’t ignore if God was calling me to reach out and minister to men.

Finding relief and healing from this emotional wound can be as complex or simple as you want. There are more than 50 books on the subject and plenty of counselors who can help you work through this to find wholeness and healing.

Personally, I realized I, too, struggled with this is some ways. My Dad and I had difficulty communicating and I never knew why. Since that conference and as I worked to receive my degree in Biblical Counseling, I’ve gone through counseling and read several books on the subject.

The final breakthrough for me came a year after my dad died. I loved him and yearned for a deeper relationship that never developed. I, realized I, too suffered from the father wound. I realized it dogged me for most of my life, dominated my thoughts, and caused me to do all kinds of things to get his attention. Like jumping out of an airplane at 3,000 feet, going into the Army infantry, risking my life on an African safari, and almost losing my home in a business venture to prove I could be entrepreneurial like him. And…nothing worked. It just left me emptier.

One afternoon I heard Linda on the phone with a friend. Her friend had a nonexistent relationship with her father so one day went to his grave and had a conversation with him, in absentia. She got everything off her chest and forgave her father. And it freed her emotionally.

So, I figured, “What do I have to lose?” One Saturday in June of 2018, I went to the real estate company where he worked for many years and sat in his private office that my brother inherited. I prayed for wisdom and committed the conversation to God, and quite frankly wasn’t certain what to say or what would be the result. I was able to picture my dad sitting behind his desk overflowing with mountains of paperwork. Respectfully, I told my dad all the things he did that hurt me, the pain of his emotional silence, and the huge disappointment that he missed so much of my life. I then said these freeing words,

“I forgive you. I know you never meant to hurt me.”

I sat in complete stillness for a few moments. Then, I felt led to share one last key thought: “Dad, maybe I wasn’t the son you needed. I want to ask your forgiveness for anything I ever did to hurt or disappoint you.” I closed out in prayer, locked up the office, and went home to Linda.

The “Two Chair” Conversation

I can’t say that I left the office feeling like a released man, jumping for joy ten feet high. But over the next few days I can say I felt a peace beginning to settle into my heart. And more grace for my father.

I realized after a long conversation with a friend. My Dad was the father my Father in heaven ordained me to have.

I had to agree with this wisdom, because if my dad and I had been able to more deeply connect, I wouldn’t have the gigantic heart for men’s ministry that I do…and wouldn’t be able to minister so powerfully to other struggling men as I do now!

Well, 8 years after that “Two Chair” conversation, I’ve forgiven my father. However, there are still times when waves of regret and remorse at what never was can wash over me. And then I pray them away, because I’ve done business with that issue and will no longer allow the enemy of my soul to taunt me with it.

Most excitingly, I have now drawn closer to God my Father in heaven—and that is so wonderful!

I was finally able to remove my earthly father from the throne of my life so God my Heavenly Father can sit there…and that makes ALL the difference in my faith. Many people can’t or won’t come to faith in Christ because God the Father is part of the Trinity. So, you now see why dealing with the father wound is so critical to your spiritual health!

The Dad You Can Still Become

Here’s where it gets personal and practical.

First, if you still wrestle with the father wound–get help, read the books, and try the two-chair conversation. What do you have to lose except the weight you’ve been carrying?

Secondly, if you are a father, you have a decision to make. You can repeat the pattern of your own father, or you can break it. Breaking it is harder but possible. And totally worth it.

A few years ago, I sat across from a man in his early forties who had recently become a grandfather. He told me through tears that he had spent the last two decades being the same emotionally checked-out dad his own father was. “I don’t know how to fix twenty years,” he said. I told him what I genuinely believe: “You can’t take back those lost twenty years. But you can start new actions today.”

You pick up the phone and call your son or daughter. Not to explain yourself, but just to say, “I love you. I know I haven’t always shown it the way you needed. I want to do better.” You show up. You ask questions and listen to the answers. And you prepare to receive their anger, distrust, or silence.

Restoring a relationship takes time, prayer, effort…and patience. Trust requires time and genuine, sincere intention backed by actions to restore. But it can happen. You pray for and with your kids, even if it feels awkward and stilted at first. You let them see you being honest about your faith, your failures, and your need for God.

One conversation won’t undo everything. But one conversation is how it starts.

Closing Thoughts

The father wound is real. But so is redemption.

And if nobody has said it to you lately…or ever… let me say it now, man to man:

God sees you. He’s proud of who you’re becoming. And it’s not too late.

If you need to talk this out, you can reach me at Reen@WatermanCG.com. I’d love to hear your story and pray for you.

Looking for a speaker for your next church men’s retreat or game dinner? Reen is a transparent speaker who truly understands this subject firsthand and how to find lasting healing. He’s an engaging speaker who lights up a room, shares keen insights, and brings the truth to break you out of the darkness. Learn essential keys to heal from your past and become the father and husband you always knew you could be. Send him an email at Reen@WatermanCG.com