Hacks for Healthy Relationships - Relationship Tip #1 "Withholds"

Sitting in Red Lobster recently, waiting for the waitress to take our order, I watched Reen as his thumbs tapped his smartphone. Head down, eyes glued to the device, he was totally consumed by his text conversation. I was patient.

Finally, I spoke, “I have a withhold.” He immediately stopped what he was doing, raised his head and put his phone away. He knew mentioning a “withhold” meant a relationship issue needed to be discussed. We developed this technique for conflict management very soon after we met. It took time to implement but is now a mainstay in our lives.

No matter what the issue, when we say “withhold,” it means we immediately create a neutral and safe place to have an uncomfortable conversation. We never bring up an issue in the heat of the moment but instead speak calmly after we’ve made the choice not to get angry, react defensively, or push back. One chooses to listen attentively while the offended person shares deeply from the heart without fearing a negative or hostile response. This relationship enhancing skill works in any relationship.

“Withholds” employ a seven-step process:

The offended party states the problem clearly.
The other person repeats what he/she heard in his/her own words.
If he/she correctly restates the problem, move to step 4. But If he/she didn’t properly understand the issue, the offended person explains again. Continue this step until the problem is clearly understood by both.
Allow the other person to consider and respond to the offense. This is not a time to blame the injured party. It is a time when an underlying issue or reason might be discovered that offers greater explanation for the person’s behavior. This way both may arrive at a deeper understanding.
Ask the offended person for forgiveness, stating the problem clearly.
The offended person states, “I forgive you.” It’s important to say the words out loud genuinely expressing true forgiveness. This brings closure to the issue. If one genuinely asks for forgiveness, it’s important that the other forgives. The Bible tells us, “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Prayerfully determine a solution either then or postpone discussion until a later time to arrive at a solution to the problem.

Reen listened attentively and quietly as I shared my disappointment that he was spending increasingly more time on his phone…almost like it was an addiction.

After listening carefully, he was quiet, thinking about what I shared. Without anger or defensiveness (which would be the common response in most relationships when a “touchy” subject was addressed), he began to share. “I understand that you feel I am spending too much time on my phone.” He waited to see if he had clearly understood the problem or if I wanted to say something as clarification. I simply shook my head in agreement.

“I think since the Pandemic, my outgoing, extroverted personality desperately missed interaction with people. And even more so since I withdrew from real estate to change careers. While I don’t miss the real estate, I do miss the client/customer interactions.”

He paused, “Will you please forgive me for neglecting you when we’ve had time together? I’ve been inattentive and allowed the phone to replace our conversations. In the future when we take time away, I’ll leave my phone at home. You have a phone in case there is an emergency.”

Conflict resolved and solution arrived upon, we share a wonderful time together. Reen faithfully leaves his phone at home and we both enjoy a mental break from work together.

As we consider making relationships a priority this year, let’s share tips and hacks that prove helpful in resolving conflict and discord so solid, deeply appreciated relationships can be formed. I look forward to hearing about your “relationship tip.” I’ll gladly share it in an upcoming blog! Please send me an email me at linda@yourrefreshedlife.com. I look forward to hearing from you!