Healthy Relationship Hack #7: Time Out
It’s funny we most often think of a “Time Out” as only for children. When they misbehave or disobey, they are sent to a location to sit silently and think about their wrong behavior for a period of time before apologizing and hopefully choosing not to repeat it.
Originally, a “Time Out” is “a halt in the play” in sports demonstrated by a hand motion that the referee employs appearing as if he or she is cutting something off. “This allows the coaches of either team to communicate with the team, e.g. to determine strategy or inspire morale, as well as to stop the game clock,” explains Wikipedia.
So how does a “Time Out” help when it comes to our most important relationships? Have you ever been in the midst of a frustrating argument where no one is listening, and both sides are talking over one another arguing their point? Tempers rise, voices heighten, and before you know it emotions are controlling the situation, running rampant. Do you remember anything being accomplished by these arguments? I doubt it. A stalemate is usually the outcome, and everyone leaves the argument unresolved and angry.
What if instead when you see you are headed in the direction of a fruitless argument, one person calls “Time Out,” halting the conversation until later when emotions are calm, and logic prevails? Reen and I rarely if ever argue. That’s actually the truth. In nineteen years of marriage, I remember possibly three arguments where our voices rose, and emotions grew hot.
We learned very early in marriage that a “Time Out” is one of the best hacks imaginable. It keeps the same arguments from being repeated endlessly with no resolution, and always enables us to discuss an issue calmly and logically later. We give each other time to think and express real feelings about an issue, explaining its importance to us. Then we always come to a mutually satisfying resolution. That may even be to agree to disagree, but when that is true, we decide how to act in the future so the issue is no longer a problem. James even tells us in the Bible,“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” (James 1:19)
An example? Most recently we were doing our large haul, monthly grocery shopping. For us that means a 1-hour drive to Delaware, a tax-free state. It also takes both of us to find the items, push around the heavily loaded cart, and then return home to unload all the groceries. And it includes shopping for anything else we will need throughout the month at the nearby mall. This is always a taxing experience that tires us, pushing our stress buttons.
Several days ago we went through this process again. We were both grumpy and could feel our emotions escalating. We called a “Time Out” and sat silently in the car for several minutes as we drove home. After about 5 minutes, we began sharing how we felt, discussing our frustration and irritability with the entire process (not blaming each other, but disclosing the actual problem.) After a calm discussion, we realized that in the future we would never leave in the afternoon to do this task again. We will leave at 9 am in the morning on a Saturday and spend the day accomplishing our goal. Peace reigned and problem solved!
